Hysterias (ii)

University applications. It's that time of year when Sixth Formers start thinking about them. Well, actually, there are several times in the year when they do - but post-exams (now) is one of them. (The others are in Sept/Oct, UCAS deadlines; Nov/Dec, interviews; Dec/Jan, post-interviews...brief respite until May/June, thence exams; August, A Level results. This leaves four months when they're not thinking about them). Lots of earnest questions being asked, and they land in my inbox by the dozen - questions about Cambridge, about the English Tripos, about Newnham College. I like answering them, and it's only very occasionally that a vitriolic response wants to escape into the tippytappy keyboard from my fingertips (normally in response to "Is Newnham full of lesbians?") - and the causticity has been suppressed thus far. But there is something a bit wonky about the whole thing...

For starters, there is an utter lack of common sense in about 70% of questions asked - or it might in many cases be called laziness. The University and College prospectuses give much (though not all) the information needed. Dear applicants, please read them! The various prospectuses sit as a pile on my desk and most often the direct answer to the question asked is contained within their slightly fishy-smelling pages. Though I have the advantage of knowing the system (and, by now, the page numbers for every answer possibly required, groan), it really isn't that hard to find what's needed - and a wee bit of initiative wouldn't be amiss in a Cambridge (or indeed university) applicant. Please?

The delicious main course of the affair is a more serious one. Misinformation and the dogged persistence of Oxbridge Myths (these latter are seriously tough cookies, some of them have been told for over 100 years!). The Access & Admissions people (various academics, staff and students) work very hard to distribute up-to-date and genuinely helpful information, but it seems not to permeate into the application atmosphere. It's not just the completely mad stuff - like the idea that setting fire to your interviewer's hair will make their boring day more interesting and thereby gain you a place at the University - it's a bit more sinister than that. The idea that if you attend your local comprehensive (or have a northern accent) you will instantly arouse dislike. The idea that if you go to a public school (or have a Home Counties accent) you will instantly arouse dislike. Or sport - competence at sports attracts suspicion (brawn and brains incompatible); incompetence at sport means instant rejection ("What? Not captain of the county lacrosse team? You miserable specimen!"). Naturally, the interviewers are out to get everyone. You have to be a certified genius to stand a chance. And once you're safely at the University you are chained to your desk for 10 hrs a day...or is it that everyone spends all their time in the bar, the work getting done magically by the telekinesis of genius? I can't remember - it's all got so complicated.
Anyway, there's still a huge volume of work to be done in this area - both in getting rid of any wobbly bits at the University end (the ethnic minorities and state vs. private school chestnuts are still hanging about), and in simply getting applicants to CALM DOWN. Just read a good book to take your mind off it all. Please?

A short but sweet dessert. The number of [potential] applicants who seem almost entirely disinterested in their subject (or any other subject) is scary. It's something that carries through to the University population proper too, to an extent. Yes, yes, I know it's not cool to say that Physics is Phun or that Readin' is Rockin', but a little enthusiasm would be nice. Please?

There's a lot of fun to be had answering the more sensible questions, though. Many of the more astute queries raise serious questions about the nature of education generally, and the UK university system entire. And there are gaps in the official information that need filling (there are probably things that can't 'officially' be said - like the fact that English is The Best Subject. It's absolutely true, but there's probably some rule that means it can't go on the front of all the prospectuses). It's just that after sifting through a silly number of emails today all asking some variation of, "If I don't own a business, captain a national sports team, sit on a board of trustees and play seven instruments, will I automatically be rejected?", it's time for a cuppa. The answer to that question (and the vast majority of its variants), by the way, is 'no'. As is the answer to the lesbian question.